It’s time for testicles to grow a pair

By Steve Korver Thursday, April 7, 2016 - 14:24
The most mocked of sex organs: testicles … Global scrotal beauty pageant … A kick to the balls ... These news flashes and more in this week’s Sex in the Press.

What’s the ugliest part of your body?

Why are testicles the least desired of sex organs? Compared to the penis, balls seem to be a dangly and absurdly exposed joke.

But do they really deserve such a mocking headline: ‘The results of this global scrotal beauty pageant are terrible and glorious’?

“The contest, organised by the manufacturer of a blowjob-simulating sex toy called the Autoblow 2 (as opposed to the Autoblow 1), ran from November to December 2015. Autoblow 2 previously hosted a similar contest for vulvas and faced accusations of sexism. Now, they are levelling the playing field and – cursed feminism – we will never be the same because of it.”

The average score for all competing testicles was a sad 3.4 out of 10. A later analysis of the 1,000 participating scrotums from 35 countries also showed that no ‘scrotal class’ – based on relative shape, size and/or texture – was deemed more visually appealing than another ‘scrotal class’.

“Given the scrotum’s important biological function of holding and protecting the life-giving testicles, I figured the public saw beauty in it, but never discussed it, preferring perhaps to talk about the penis instead,” said the owner of Autoblow. “Now I know why the scrotum has always lived in the shadows: because people think it’s ugly.”

Know thy nuts

However: “Balls, cojones, nuts, your local sidekicks, bollocks, nads, family jewels – whatever you call them, testicles are very important and so is their well-being,” according to ‘Ten things you didn't know about testicles’.

So they deserve celebration, especially during Testicular Cancer Awareness Month. Just marvel at these fascinating facts:

Testicles produce 200 million sperm every day! And each sperm has about 37.5 megabytes of “data”!

Around 65% of men have a right testicle that hangs higher and is slightly larger! And no one knows why!

The testicles of the tuberous bush cricket make up a whopping 14% of its body weight!

‘Avocado’ comes from the Aztec word for testicles!

An Icelandic brewery brews beer with smoked fine whale testicle! Meanwhile the testicles of male right whales can weigh up to one ton! And produce 4.5 litres of semen! That’s a lot of brew!

So why with all these fascinating facts, do testicles still suffer from low self-esteem?

More chewy facts!

The above article, while fascinating, did fail to answer a few essential testicle-related questions.

Is it true that Hitler only had one ball? Quite possibly, according to ‘Hitler really did have only one testicle, German researcher claims’.

What hurts more: childbirth or getting kicked in the balls? Giving birth, according to ‘Childbirth vs Getting kicked in the balls’. (Unless you happen to be passing a kidney stone while getting kicked in the balls every eight minutes for eight hours…)

And what’s that dark scar-like line of tissue that bisects the testicles? It’s called the perineal raphe and arises from the fusion of the ‘urogenital folds’ during our development. It entered the news recently when a scholar suggested that Eve was not created with Adam’s rib but with his penis bone – that the word ‘rib’ was in fact mistranslated in an early version of the Bible. This removal of the penis bone could also work to explain the ‘scar’ on the scrotum, according to ‘Eve was created from Adam's penis: Bible scholar’.

And here you have it: once again the penis makes the headline while the testicles are left holding the scar.

Isn’t it finally time for testicles to man up and grow a pair of ovaries and actively fight this injustice?

Do you think testicles get a bad rap? Leave a comment below or join the discussion on Facebook. If you have any questions, visit our discussion board.

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