Giving head… lines
It’s true: penises can be very useful. For example, they are great for generating classic headlines.
The runner-up: ‘Why I made a penis colouring book for adults (NSFW)’.
Then there’s: ‘Pastor asks female congregants to buy anointed cucumbers equivalent to the size they want their husband’s penises to be’. (Which, alas, turns out to be satire – but still proves how enduringly hilarious penises can be.)
Penises are also good for improving memory skills, according to ‘Frequent sex linked with better verbal memory in women’.
“The study revealed that women who have more penis in vagina intercourse (PVI) remembered more words when given a verbal recognition test.”
The researchers don’t believe that penises are magic wands that prod the female brain’s hippocampal region – the place where verbal memory lives. Rather, the related PVI activities work to increase blood flow to the area.
The research also showed that penises were no aid for remembering faces better – a skill that might come in handy in the future when bumping into a one-night stand at the local supermarket.
According to a global analysis of 15,000 penises...
Keeping track with size
When it comes to one-night stands versus a long-term partner, women prefer to improve their memory with larger penises, according to ‘Sizing up: women prefer slightly larger penises, new study reveals’.
“Researchers asked women to pick from 33 different-sized 3D models made of rigid, odourless, blue plastic – the colour was intended to minimise racial cues.”
The preferred average penis length for a long-term partner was 6.3 inches (16 cm). For a one-night stand: 6.4 inches (16.3 cm).
Meanwhile, the average length of an erect penis is 5.2 inches (13.1 cm), according to a global analysis of 15,000 penises.
When the test subjects were asked about their own personal encounters with penises, they described a length range of 2.5 to 8 inches.
Now let’s take a moment to put penis size into perspective: ‘Right whale sex involves one-tonne testicles and a 4-metre penis’.
A bionic penis romantic
“Mohammed Abad has not had sex with anyone since losing his virginity to an escort earlier this year,” according to ‘Man with the £70,000 eight-inch bionic penis is “too tired” to date women’.
The 44-year-old lost his penis in a childhood traffic accident. Since going bionic, he has refused the online advances of over 50 women who wanted to take him for a ride. He claims to be too busy with working.
“His priority now is to find a wife and he is seeking an arranged marriage with the help of his parents. He said: ‘We're speaking to a few parties at the moment. I don't care what she looks like – she could be tall, short, thin or fat. I prefer personality to looks. My parents will find me a suitable match.’”
The black penis has gotten lost between fear and fantasy.
Fear of a black penis
White American males are still intimidated by African-American penises, according to the fascinating long-read ‘Last taboo: Why pop culture just can’t deal with black male sexuality’.
Traditionally, it was only nude ladies that formed the norm within American popular culture. But now penises are popping up all over film and TV – albeit only white ones.
The author believes the black penis – otherwise known as “the mythical Big Black Dick (which, online, people just call ‘B.B.D.’) – has gotten lost between fear and fantasy.
The fear can be explained in a historical context: “Slaves were livestock, and their duties included propagating the labour pool. Sex wasn’t pleasure; it was work. Pleasure remained the prerogative of white owners and overseers, who put their penises where they pleased among the bodies they owned. Sex, for them, was power expressed through rape. And one side effect of that power was paranoia: Wouldn’t black revenge include rape? Won’t they want to do this to our women?”
But luckily, besides the fear, there’s still plenty to fantasise about.
You can customise your dick in all shapes and sizes, including colours and outfits.
Fun for the whole family
Here’s a game we can all get behind no matter our penis size: ‘Genital jousting is a steam game that needs no other explanation’.
“Players control a detached penis complete with testicles and an anus. Multiple game modes provide a stimulating orgy of objectives: penetrate and be penetrated as fast as possible or compete in absurd, silly and sexually suggestive games and challenges.”
And as bonus: “you can customise your dick in all shapes and sizes, including colours and outfits.”
Check out the promo video. It’s memorable!