Lasers and vampires
“Just when you thought the Brazilian bikini wax was the most extreme, here comes laser treatments for the vagina,” according to ‘Would you laser your vagina for better sex?’.
A FemiLift laser treatment costs $US 1,150 and is said to improve lubrication and increase tightness.
Unfortunately, “It just doesn’t make any sense from a medical perspective,” says a professor of medicine who instead recommends Kegel exercises to achieve these effects.
But if you still want to do something extreme and unproven to your vagina, then just go all the way: ‘Vagina “vampire therapy”: Women boosting libido and orgasms by injecting their private parts with their own blood’.
“From her belief that yelling at milk can make it rot, to her thoughts about her ‘conscious uncoupling’ from husband and Coldplay front man Chris Martin, Paltrow has described several strange ideas,” according to ‘No, Gwyneth Paltrow, vaginas don't need to be steam cleaned’.
Now she’s celebrating vaginal steaming — or ‘V-steaming’, for short.
Unfortunately, “There's no scientific evidence that shows it works,” says a doctor who believes steaming is more likely to trigger nasty side effects.
But there may be one benefit: “She’s probably getting turned on. Heat increases blood flow to the vagina, as well as the clitoris.”
World’s Next Top Vagina
A creepy sex toy manufacturer held a beauty contest for vaginas. The winner received US$ 5,000 and a trip to Los Angeles to have her vagina 3-D scanned for use in a range of oral sex simulators, according to ‘The “world's most beautiful vagina” has been debunked by science’.
The winner was a Scottish lass named Nell. Her vagina was shaved, small and cartoon-esque – and thereby suggesting that vagina beauty may be getting defined by the standards of porn.
However, when researchers looked at the 2.7 million votes and compared them to various vagina variables (“labia size, protuberance, and rugosity”), they discovered that more complex vaginas got the same number of overall votes as simpler ones.
In other vagina scanning news, “Japanese artist Megumi Igarashi was arrested after distributing computer files depicting a scanned version of her vagina. The ‘vagina selfies’ were sent to supporters of her crowd-funding art project – a kayak modeled on her genitalia,” according to ‘Why art has a big vagina problem’.
“With this project I wanted to release the vagina from the standard Japanese paradigm,” the artist said. “Japan is lenient towards expressions of male sexuality and arousal, but not so for women. When a woman uses her body in artistic expression, her work gets ignored, and people treat her as if she’s some sex-crazed idiot. It all comes back to misogyny. And the vagina is at the heart of it.”
Some people and organisations do still get shocked by vagina art: ‘Four years later, man still fighting Facebook for censoring Courbet’s “Origin of the World”’ (a nude oil painting from 1866) and ‘Vandals attack “queen's vagina” sculpture at Palace of Versailles’.
Meanwhile, penises can happily frolic all over the arts – from the ceilings of the Sistine Chapel to that social media update you just scrolled past.
Meanwhile: ‘If you look hard enough, vaginas are everywhere’.
“I think that all pussies are perfect, in being un-perfect... My pussy, your pussy, everybody’s pussy is f**king perfect,” says one of the founders of an Instagram account called Look At This Pusssy which curates images of objects and sceneries that look like vaginas.
From foodstuffs to hallways to tree trunks, these images prove that vaginas can actually be found everywhere.
How do you ladies do it?
Just buy a purse, girlfriend
Tabloid news often includes a recurring and global motif: women hiding stuff up their hoo-has.
Recent examples include: ‘Cops: Indiana woman hid loaded gun in vagina’, ‘Meth smuggler packs vagina’ and ‘Police find $100 worth of Walmart groceries in woman’s vagina’.
But finally, here’s a variation on the theme: ‘Man accused of theft from woman's vagina appears in court’.
The ancient art of origami
Indeed, vaginas can be amazingly stretchy.
The maze-like vaginas of ducks (and perhaps even dolphins) are able to re-direct sperm down dead-end alleys, in case the female decides during coitus that her male partner is not worthwhile breeding stock after all.
Human vaginas also have impressive shape-shifting abilities, according to ‘The amazing muscular origami that makes the vagina so stretchy’.
“Like an accordion, the pleats let the vagina store the extra material it needs to expand – all the tissue needs is a signal to unfold.”
Certain chemical signals trigger the vagina to become big enough to accommodate a penis. Other chemical signals make it big enough to pop out a baby.
If the vagina continues to evolve such complexities, perhaps one day it will be able to shoot lasers.
How weird would that be?