Are you a femme fatale praying mantis?
It’s been long known that female praying mantises rip the heads off of their mates to chew on as an after-sex snack.
But recent research suggests they also like to snack on males for the hell of it, according to ‘Deceptive female mantises eat males even without having sex’.
Females just have to emit some fancy pheromones and the males come running.
Ha-ha, the fools.
Are you a gymnast moth?
It’s not just wham-bam-thank-you-’mam for a particularly experimentalist moth from the UK.
“Its reproductive repertoire reads like an insect version of the Kama Sutra,” according to ‘The complex sex lives of gold swift moths’.
One position has the pair “dancing in the air”. Another position involves the male hanging off a leaf with his back to the female, before “bending his abdomen backwards, and then twisting around with his mate until their bodies are connected.”
Please be careful when trying this at home.
Are you a disco clam?
“As molluscs go, Ctenoides ales is quite literally one of the flashiest. A native of the Indo-Pacific region, the creature is known as the disco clam because the soft tissues of its ‘lips’ flash like a mirror ball above a dance floor,” according to ‘How the disco clam got its flash’.
Scientists are still unsure if this light show is a spawning signal or a way to scare off predators.
Either way, who cares? Let’s party!
Are you a live-fast-die-young rock’n’roll quoll?
“Life is tough if you are a male northern quoll: you spend your life ferociously searching for a mate, fighting off other males only to die after sex -- and all before your first birthday,” according to ‘Sex life of northern quolls: Reproduction rituals on Groote Eylandt exposed’.
"They shag themselves to death," observes a researcher.
Are you into diversity like a Taiwanese snail?
“A new snail may be the first to be named after a global human rights movement,” according to ‘New species named after the struggle for same-sex marriage’.
Aegista diversifamilia means “diverse human families”.
These land snails embrace diversity by being hermaphrodites: having both male and female sexual organs in a single individual.
Let’s hope they regularly come out of their shells to share with others.
Are you a bitchy rhino?
“Female rhinos get grumpy and put on weight if they cannot reproduce,” according ‘No sex makes rhinos irritable’.
And it’s doubly tragic: “They show no outward signs, so males do not realise that they are on heat.”
If you don’t express your desires, who’s going to listen?
Are you unfussy like a seal?
A few years ago a male Antarctic fur seal was spotted mounting a king penguin, according to ‘Antarctic seals keep trying to have sex with penguins’.
Now this penguin-banging behaviour seems to be spreading – it is no longer a solitary case of ‘misdirected mating’ by an inexperienced boy seal.
“Seals may see other males trying to have sex with penguins and imitate them – either for practice or because they have no other way to release sexual frustration,” theorises one researcher.
Are you a stalking, abusive chimp?
“A 2014 study has found that male chimpanzees that are more aggressive to females sire more offspring, suggesting that the trait may have an evolutionary basis,” according to ‘Male sexual aggression: what chimps can reveal about people’.
“The sustained intimidation in which chimps engage, which has some parallels to human behaviours such as stalking or domestic violence, is a form of mate guarding. The behaviour may make female chimps less likely to sneak off with a partner of her choosing during her most fertile times,” a researcher suggests.
“If we can understand the biological underpinnings of abhorrent behaviours like this, we will be better able as a society to decrease the frequency of these horrible behaviours."
Are you kinky like a dolphin?
“Dolphins have been found to spend 80 per cent of their lives in 'sexual play',” according to ‘5 surprising facts about dolphin sex from their love of eels to having bisexual tendencies’.
This ‘play’ can include wrapping a wiggly eel around their penis as masturbatory aid.
Sounds like something a human would do.
What sex animal are you? What kind of sex animal are you looking for? (And please boys, don’t say you’re looking for a swallow.) Leave a comment below or join the discussion on Facebook.