January is the month when sex companies unveil their latest products. Some are useful. Most are silly.
And some are potentially dangerous. Example: ‘Women putting herb balls in vagina to “detox their wombs” have been warned of dangers’.
An American firm is selling high-dollar “Herbal Womb Detox Pearls” to “cleanse the womb and return it to a balance state”.
But as sexual health experts point out, vaginas are like a “self-cleaning oven” and these balls will likely only increase the chance of infections – including fatal ones.
And besides: “It is not possible to reach the womb from the vagina without using force. The cervix (or neck of the womb) is designed to only open during ovulation and childbirth.”
In short: "Your uterus isn’t tired or depressed or dirty and your vagina has not misplaced its chakra,” as one expert put it.
Speaking of chakras… At the recent Sexual Health Expo in Los Angeles, the delightfully named company Chakrubs unveiled their line of “healing” crystal dildos, according to ‘Something for the weekend, sir? The latest in sex tech’.
“Choices include Indian jade, white lotus and obsidian which, the company claims, will rid the user of any negative energy in their aura, and anywhere else they stick it.”
Naturally, such heavy objects come with a heavy price tag.
Diving for treasure
All hail the gadgets with a sense of humour!
“The Snorkel O Vibrating Muff Dive Gear is a real actual thing that exists, ostensibly for those out there who are literally drowning in pussy,” according to ‘Gear up for your next muff dive with a pussy snorkel’.
This disposable device not only contains nostril plugs – “which, theoretically, allow for ease of air-flow as the user’s face is smashed up against the mons pubis of their partner” – but also a front end device with vibrating option.
“This device should not be confused with the Glow N Dark Pussy Snorkel which is a cheaper product and does not come outfitted with a vibrating device.”
You’ve got vagina mail!
“There’s nothing like the thrill of an incoming text message, particularly when that text is from your vagina,” according to ‘“Smart” menstrual cup sends texts about your flow’.
“For the uninitiated, a menstrual cup is a bell-shaped, silicone receptacle worn inside the vagina to collect period blood during that time of the month. Some women prefer to use a menstrual cup as an eco-friendly alternative to disposable pads and tampons.”
But how do you know when your cup is running over before it’s too late?
“Enter the Looncup: It's connected to an app on your smartphone, which will tell you in real-time how full your cup is, when it's time to empty it, and the volume at which you're flowing.”
Wow. Finally, something that’s potentially useful?
Guy-Fi for self-soothers
‘A "public masturbation booth" in NYC was a publicity stunt for a sex toy company’.
“According to Time Out, a remarkable 39% of New Yorkers ‘self-soothe’ in the workplace to alleviate stress. Hot Octopuss has created the GuyFi booth to take this habit out of the office and into a more suitable environment designed to give the busy Manhattan man the privacy, and the high-speed Internet connection, he deserves.”
“While Hot Octopuss really did convert an old phone booth into what it called a ‘public masturbation booth’, New York City has not legalised public masturbation.”
Yes, sad but true: a perfectly sound concept that turned out to be a marketing sham.
With all these new gadgets, perhaps we should pay tribute to an old school gadget that has already withstood the test of time: the mighty condom machine. After all, it has provided countless millions with a means to have safe and pleasurable sex.
But trust a human to rain on that parade: ‘Man dies after blowing up condom machine while trying to rob it on Christmas Day’.
“The 29-year-old man was hit in the head by a piece of metal from the machine as he attempted to take cover from the explosion. He was accompanied by two other men who escaped the explosion and fled the scene in a car, leaving money, condoms and the pieces of the vending machine scattered in their wake.”
Now imagine the collateral damage if this machine also sold crystal dildos.