Easy to grasp
In celebration of International Masturbation Month, we’ll steal some pearls from ‘Top 10 best quotes & sayings about masturbating’:
“It’s not like I’ve never jacked off. I’m fifteen years old. Of course I do it. Any guy who says he doesn’t is lying. That would be like having the coolest video game ever and never playing it. No one’s that stupid.” (Michael Thomas Ford).
“Even if times are tough and you’re enduring a terrible heartache, it’s important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.” (Chelsea Handler).
“Nairobi - The Kenyatta University has told its students to stop masturbating in bathrooms and showers as it looks to reduce plumbing costs,” according to ‘University makes masturbation plea’.
“Our drains are not built to withstand semen,” the university said in a notice.
"Every year, Kenyatta University spends thousands of shillings in maintenance because of the excessive amounts of semen stuck in the pipes.”
The university knows it’s futile to outlaw the practice itself, so they recommend that students masturbate in their bedrooms.
After all, there’s a time and a place for everything. Otherwise you might end up featuring in headlines such as: ‘Ex-Waffle House employee wanted after co-worker filmed him masturbating in Georgia diner’ or ‘Canadian woman guilty of “committing an act of mischief” after she drank 14 shots of whiskey and had “mutual masturbation” session with man in the next seat’.
Wank your way to a more healthy you!
When done privately there’s nothing wrong with keeping one’s pipes clean.
“It’s a natural and normal part of healthy sexual development,” according to ‘Masturbation: the health benefits’. And that’s why most everyone does it.
“For women, masturbation can help prevent cervical infections and urinary tract infections through the process of ‘tenting’, or the opening of the cervix that occurs as part of the arousal process.”
“For men, masturbation helps reduce risk of prostate cancer, probably by giving the prostate a chance to flush out potential cancer-causing agents.”
For both sexes, masturbation can help reduce stress and depression while improving immunity and fertility.
Plus, it can be freakishly pleasurable.
Every sperm is sacred
An Ultra-Orthodox Jewish male is never meant to see his own sperm, according to ‘Sacred Sperm: The naked truth about Judaism’s prohibition of masturbation’.
“Where am I going to see sperm? Where?” asks one rabbi.
To help Ultra-Orthodox boys not to tug, they are taught to urinate without touching their tugger.
So what happens when they get an erection? “They dig their fingernails into their legs, stand on their toes, do relaxation exercises, let it go and move on,” says the rabbi. “Deep breathing can also help. Jumping, fast walking…”
Many other religions and cultures are equally obsessed with keeping the stickiness on the inside.
Keeping it fresh
Controlling masturbation is “a tragicomic testament to society’s long and rather futile quest to judge and punish pleasure without understanding the underlying biology or the psychological repercussions of such misguided ‘treatments’,” according to ‘Mary Roach on the science of masturbation and the outrageous vintage pseudoscientific techniques for controlling it’.
A 19th-century American anti-masturbation crusader preached the benefits of applying a “red hot-wire” to children’s genitals.
“On the simple side, there was the Penile Pricking Ring. Invented in the 1850s, this was an adjustable, expandable metal ring slipped onto the penis at bedtime. If the sleeper’s penis begins to expand, it forces the ring open wider, exposing metal spikes…”
“The bitter irony here is that regularly spilling one’s seed serves a valuable biological function. Sperm which sit around the factory a week or more start to develop abnormalities; missing heads, extra heads, shriveled heads, tapered and bent heads. All of which render them less effective at headbanging their way into an egg. [Sex psychologist Rob] Levin speculates that that’s why men masturbate so much: It’s an evolutionary strategy.”
In other words: every tug is sacred.
And every month should be International Masturbation Month.
Hey wankers and wankerettes! Any tips? Leave a comment below or join the discussion on Facebook.