In what positions did dinosaurs diddle each other? It’s a tricky question. Especially since dinosaurs are no longer available to fill out surveys or have electrodes attached to their genitals.
‘How did dinosaurs have sex? Did they enjoy it?’ is an interview with palaeontologist Brian Switek. He hopes that one day someone will discover a couple of dinos petrified in the act or at least some well-preserved fleshy bits.
Meanwhile, his job remains at the “intersection between reality and imagination” (which also happens to be the ultimate place for sex in general).
Switek’s forebear is the palaeontologist Beverly Halstead (1933-1991) who would use his wife during lectures to “demonstrate the sexual positions the dinosaurs might have used.”
Unfortunately Halstead’s positions, as hot as they were, were mostly wrong. “Halstead expected that dinosaurs were very much like lizards and snakes; we now know that's not accurate, that they're much more like birds, so they didn't intertwine their tails, or float in Mesozoic lakes having sauropod orgies like some of his illustrations,” notes Switek.
“But we're still left with the problem getting the tail out of the way.” And even if the couple did manage to line up their squishy bits, how did, for example, the Stegosaurus wiggle its penis through all its body armour?
With 1800 identified genera of dinosaurs, a spectrum of possibilities exist. “They might have done it in a way that is totally incomprehensible to us,” admits Switek.
Undeterred, Switek is using 3D models of laser-scanned skeletons to test different scenarios. He’s already discovered that the “leg-over-back idea” favoured by Halstead was mechanically impossible for a Stegosaurus.
“Even if you took off all those spikes, he didn't have enough play in the hip socket to swing his leg out far enough.”
For all you hipsters
“When, at the age of 27, Patricia Schallenberger needed a hip transplant, she wondered if she'd be able to resume a full and fulfilling sex life afterwards,” according to ‘Sex after hip transplants – scientists reveal new guidelines’.
This inspired her surgeon to work with a motion capture company and two volunteers to test various sexual positions. “The volunteers' recorded motions were then applied to the motion capabilities of 3D prosthetic hip models. Analysis of the models showed sex to be slightly riskier for female patients, particularly in positions requiring extreme flexing.”
"Out of the 12 sexual positions we found four positions for women that should be avoided and only two for men, so that was reasonable. That means that the patient can still have good sex after their surgery."
Life is short
“A sexologist helps people with dwarfism overcome their bodies' obstacles to sex and intimacy,” opens the excellent feature ‘The challenges of having sex as a Little Person’.
There are over 200 types of medical dwarfism. Most types involves some limitations when it comes to sex.
“There is a variety, a spectrum. Some have no medical limitations—they are just short. And some have more difficulty than others,” according to Dr Marylou Naccarato. Issues can include not being able to reach one’s genitals and limited hip rotation which can make straddling painful.
Backed by her how-to manual Heighten Your Sensuality & Intimacy: Innovative Techniques for the LP Body, Naccarato gives workshops and sells a variety of helpful toys and tools, such as extendable vibrators and easy-to-use condoms for those with limited dexterity.
“Being Little People, we have to learn to adapt to everything and do things our own way because the world is built for average-sized people,” says one client.
“You go by your own rules,” says another. “Life is short. And so am I.”
Cosmo, not so…
“Cosmopolitan is bringing its hilariously bad sex tips to lesbians now. They’re just as laughable as the straight version, and prove the mag knows little to nothing about real life lesbian sex,” according to ‘I tried Cosmo’s lesbian sex tips and they were terrible’.
The article’s author and her partner tried the ‘28 mind-blowing lesbian sex positions’ slideshow. It left them offended and unfulfilled.
Whether it was ‘Kinky Jockey’ or ‘Passionate Pole Dancer’, it all just came down to clitoris-to-hip grinding. And the illustrations – “depictions of beautiful women languorously writhing in pleasure with their legs wrapped around one another” – were of little help.
One would think that an international brand such as Cosmo could have afforded some 3D modelling – or at least asked some non-dinosaur lesbians to fill out some surveys and play with some electrodes.
What’s your favoured position for a fulfilling sex life? Leave a comment below or join the discussion on Facebook.