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Sex with an alien: You know you want it!

By Steve Korver Thursday, May 5, 2016 - 13:19
Looking for something ‘super raw, super primal’? … Extraterrestrial sex is more than mere anal probing! … Unleashing Darth Vader’s sabre! … These news flashes and more in this week’s Sex in the Press.

Where no human has come before

Scientists have announced the existence of three more Earth-like planets, all of which may support life.

Such discoveries always make one wonder: What would sex with a space alien be like?

Don’t be ashamed of such thoughts. You are not alone. Many have come before you.

As proof: Google search “alien porn” at your own risk.

Or marvel at: ‘The greatest science fiction porn movies of all time’.

Or witness: Darth Vader unsheathing his enchanted light sabre.

Or boldly go to: ‘A history of Star Trek porn’.

Or be traumatised by: ‘Weird dildos: Here is your guide to having sex with aliens’.

What special parts will they have, and how will they ‘do it?’ Will we find what they do sexy, incomprehensible or just plain gross?

Meanwhile, the good people at the Institute of Extraterrestrial Sexuality have produced a fully illustrated book, Strange Attractors: Investigations in Non-Humanoid Extraterrestrial Sexualities, which explores important questions such as: “What special parts will they have, and how will they ‘do it?’ Will we find what they do sexy, incomprehensible or just plain gross?”

Some people have even speculated what human sex would look like from the perspective of a visiting alien, such as with ‘Erotica written by an alien pretending not to be horrified by the human body’. Sample quotations:

 

“With absolutely no regard for personal space, the two of them created an unnecessary amount of friction, generating sweat in the process...”

“Jostling occurred for an extended period of time, then silence...”

“Some sort of gel emerged.”

Indeed: as a species, humans are just plain gross.

Is that a rocket in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

“An alien woman appeared. She was 3 meters (10′) tall with 12 fingers and braided leg hair. She straddled him, and they had sex for 40 minutes while floating in the air. It was an experience which left Meng with a jagged scar 5 centimeters (2 in) long,” according to ‘10 people who claimed to have sexual encounters with aliens’.

Meng was also left frightened. But later another alien he met reassured him: “In 60 years, on a distant planet, the son of a Chinese peasant will be born.”

There was really a freedom and we were really going for it. It was the best sex I ever had.

Meanwhile, “A city councillor for the seaside town of Stakesby in the UK claimed that he had a sexual relationship with an entity he called the ‘Cat Queen,’ even fathering a daughter named Zarka with his alien mistress.”

The city councillor claims to still maintain his alien affair. He says these dalliances have no adverse influence on doing his job: “I get more common sense out of the aliens than out of Scarborough Town Hall. The aliens are far more aware of stuff. People in the Town Hall seem not to be aware of the needs of Whitby.”

Oh, and in case you are wondering: ‘Aliens are apparently great in bed’. Sample quotation: “It was an incredible super primal, super raw, super primal sexual experience. There was really a freedom and we were really going for it. It was the best sex I ever had.”

Sounds out-of-this-world.

Back to Earth

It takes a scientist to sadly bring us back down to earth: ‘Alien sex won't be like you think': Evolutionary biologist reveals how extraterrestrials might reproduce’.

“Humans would have to ditch their earthbound preconceptions if they want to understand what sex might look like on another planet,” according to Dr Sarah Otto.

And humans would find it difficult to hook up with aliens “because our bits and bobs are likely to be totally different shapes.”

Plus: "The separate male and female sexes isn't even universal rule on this planet, let alone others," Otto continues. "Rather than male and female, some species have categories like A, B, C, D and E."

The female clitoris is so large that it resembles a penis.

 

“Even for fuzzier, more familiar animals, sex can get downright weird. The marsupial Antechinus, which lives in Australia and New Guinea, mates in a frenzy over about two weeks. Males often ambush females and copulate with them for up to 14 hours. The effort of their multiple marathon sex sessions takes such a toll on males that they start to bleed internally and lose all immune function. They rarely survive the breeding season. Hyena males have to mount females with care because the female clitoris is so large that it resembles a penis. And some male bats even stimulate females' genitalia with their tongues,” according to ‘If aliens exist, would they have sex?

In summary: you don’t have to lock yourself up in a claustrophobic spaceship for 10 000 years to track down some freaky stuff.

Earth awaits!

Do you have alien tastes? Leave a comment below or join the discussion on Facebook. If you have any questions, visit our discussion board.

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